Divorce and Restoration by Michael McCartney
A while back I was asked to write and article on our current subject Divorce and Restoration. I first of all want to look at how God views Divorce. The Word of God tells us this in Malachi 2:11-17:
11Judah has broken faith. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the LORD loves, by marrying the daughter of a foreign god. 12As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the LORD cut him off from the tents of Jacob—even though he brings offerings to the LORD Almighty.
13Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’S altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
15Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
16“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
17You have wearied the LORD with your words.
“How have we wearied him?” you ask.
By saying, “All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them” or “Where is the God of justice?”
The phrase in verse 16 springs out to me “I hate divorce!” says God. Why does he hate divorce you may be thinking? Well if you have ever been involved in a divorce or had a close friend or family member go through it you see why. Divorce- rips people’s hearts apart. Just look around at what divorce has done to our society:
• Men and women who divorce have a increased likelihood to switch from Christianity to none (Leora E. Lawton, Journal for the scientific study of Religion 2001.)
• Divorce is associated with a range of pour outcomes among children. Compared with children with continuously married parents, children with divorced parents continued to score significantly lower on measures of academic achievement, conduct, psychological adjustment, self-concept, and social relations (Amato, Paul R., Journal of Family Psychology, 2001).
• Parental divorce especially weakened relationships between adult children and their fathers. While parental divorce harmed both son-father relationship and daughter-father relationship, the harmful effect was stronger in the former. In addition, the dissolution of a marriage of one’s children had a negative effect on all child-parent relationships (Gayle Kaufman. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 1998).
• Divorce causes economic hardship: Mothers especially face a decrease in income which leads to increased stress for the parent and the possibility of more time away from home because of a the need of more income (Cancio, Orbuch, & Thorton, 2000).
• A decrease in the amount of time of parental supervision and involvement in the child’s life (Cancio, Orbuch, & Thorton, 2000).
• A significant amount of children in divorced scenarios lose virtually all contact with their fathers. Some reports of father contact after divorce reveal the following statistics:
o Families who have experienced divorce less than two years had 43% father contact with the children.
o Families divorced 3-5 years had 33% father contact with the children
o Families divorced 6-10 years had 19% father contact with the children.
o Families divorced 11 years and up the father contact percent goes to 12%. (Demographics of Divorce, by Robert Hughes Jr.).
• Rutgers University Sociology Prof. David Popenoe, and Jean Bethke Elshtain, Professor of Social and Political Ethics at the University of Chicago divinity School. Concluded that the decline of marriage is mainly responsible for the deteriorating well-being of children.
• Richards and colleagues followed 17,000 children born one week in 1958 in Britain, United States and new Zealand. They discovered the following:
o He found that children of divorced parents, on average, left the house earlier and started families sooner than did the children of “intact” families.
o Middle-class girls were especially affected by divorce, he found. They had a 45% chance of marrying by age 20, while children from intact families had a 15% of marrying young.
o He also stated that children of divorce suffer a rapid fall in their self-esteem after the divorce.
• 85% of prisoners, 78% of high school dropouts, 82% of teenage girls who become pregnant, the majority of drug and alcohol abusers – all come from single – mother- headed – households (Washington Times 12/19/95).
• According to the National Center for Health Statistics, a child living with his/her divorced mother, compared to a child living with both parents, is 375% more likely to need professional treatment for emotional or behavioral problems and is almost twice as likely to repeat a grade in school, is more likely to suffer chronic asthma, frequent headaches, and/or bed wetting, develop a stammer or speech defect, suffer from anxiety or depression, and be diagnosed as hyperactive.
• Another study discovered:
o 63% of all youth suicides
o 71% of all adolescent chemical/substance abuse
o 90% of all homeless and runaway children come from single parent households according to David Garrod.
We can now see why God hates divorce. In our text from Malachi I caught another phrase in verse, 15” Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” We are warned not to break faith with our spouse because it will affect whether your off spring is godly. The truth is it is imperative today that we divorce proof our marriages for the benefit of the children and for the benefit of each spouse in the marriage.
So now we come to Restoration for the one who has become entangled in the web of divorce. I have ministered to way too many people who have had to face the hurt and torment of divorce. Some have in my view been victims at the hand of a self-centered spouse who is only interested in their own pleasures and wants. I have seen what addictions can do to a marriage, what adultery can do to a marriage, what apathy can do to a marriage, and what physical and mental abuse can do to a family.
Some of the couples I have worked with equally added to the demise of their marriages, both equally making mistakes and choosing not to forgive the other. Divorce – always tragic and always leaving a wake of destruction has ripped our society at an alarming rate. But the questions surfaces what do you do to help the wounded heal in light of their tragedy?
I have taken the following approach to divorce and restoration in my ministry. I believe in grace because God bestowed on me grace. I was once a sinner and I recognized my sinful condition and I repented and He forgave me. I know that God is a God of grace and forgiveness and this is His nature. I do not believe that divorce is the unpardonable sin. I do believe that people who have repented of their divorce and made amends with their spouses can be restored and even remarried.
I also am a realist and know some people are innocent victims of divorce because their spouse made certain sinful choices. We know that Jesus addressed the issue of divorce in Matthew and said because of peoples hard hearts Moses allowed men to divorce their wives because of adultery. So I look around even at the church I pastor and I see some innocent victims. These individuals will usually admit they may have added to the problems in their marriages but still remained faithful when their spouses chose not too. I believe these individuals need to admit to their responsibility in the breakup of the marriage and then forgive. Forgiveness is at the root of restoration and the Bible makes it clear that if we do not forgive then God will not forgive us. So I always tell these individuals to forgive their spouses for their own spiritual well being.
The 7 steps I seek to lead people through to restoration are:
1. Repentance for their part in the divorce.
2. Forgiveness for them and there willingness to forgive their ex-spouse.
3. Grace shown by the Body of Christ to the individuals and the family.
4. We encourage them to get Christian Counseling so they can heal and sort through their emotions.
5. An appropriate time frame to heal and draw closer to the Lord spiritually.
6. A person placed in their life to help mentor them so they can deal with the loss in their life.
7. A person who comes out at the end of this tragedy who has learned from their mistakes and is in the position to help others heal and encourage others not to make the same mistake.
God hates divorce but He loves to dispense His grace to those who repent and decide to live for Him 100%. I have always said, “God uses imperfect people to do His perfect will!” This includes divorced people.
